Flushing, New York – Due to an accounting error, the New York Mets baseball club has been mathematically eliminated from the 2014 National League playoffs.
Mets principal owner Fred Wilpon took full responsibility for the arithmetic mishap. He said that he was "redoing" the team's books last Thursday, when he inadvertently dropped a decimal point.
"I also was carrying a six at the time and everything kind of slipped. I've looked everywhere," he lamented. "I haven't slept for days trying to make it all add up. We even had the FBI and the SEC in, but it turns out that they are not really that good at math."
The dilemma reminded Wilpon of a situation his friend Bernie Madoff was confronted with a few years ago. "Bernie's job was to help investors grow their money," he said. "But one morning he woke up and realized that he had forgotten to make the actual investments. Boy, was his face red."
The Mets team psychiatrist, Dr. Thomas John, explained that Wilpon was signing multimillion dollar checks for the team's new free agent stars when the latest mathematical mixup occurred. "It must've been a shock to his system to suddenly have to deal with so many zeros at one time," he said.
Providing a general diagnostic overview, Doctor John reported: "The x-rays show that Mr. Wilpon has a torn ATM, but no fractures. He'll be back playing catch with Bernie in the exercise yard by the end of next week."
Meanwhile, Mets general manager Sandy Alderson Is looking beyond Wilpon's recovery, exploring ways to "make the numbers work for the Mets so that we're still mathematically in the playoff equation."
"Maybe we can trade Ike Davis for an integer or two."