What Do Women Want?

Woman potraitGod created man and rested. But since God created woman, neither God nor man has rested. These words are not mine, neither do I know their origin but since I heard or read them, they have always intruded in my thoughts each time I wonder like billions of men all through the ages what makes women tick.
I believe the question ‘what do women want?’ must rank amongst the oldest questions of all time. In a book by Edwin Louis Cole titled Maximised Manhood, he captured the difference in perspective and frustration in the following words, ‘seventy five percent of men told pollsters their marriage was alright. Twenty five percent of the wives of these same men said their marriages were alright. That left 50% of the men with problems in their marriages and they did not even realise it. Why? They had not educated themselves in the uniqueness of their wives, their needs, their inner longings, their satisfaction thresholds.’ These words illustrate the utter helplessness of man when dealing with the fairer sex. Even the pastor of a church I once attended in the Republic of Ireland said there are two times in life you don’t try understanding a woman –before marriage and after marriage, suggesting that they ultimately are unknowable. This is born out of the fact that men and women are wired differently and most effort to cross wires is short circuited. Until men make effort to understand what women want, they and their women will be miserable to no end. But trying to understand women is a full time energy, patience and sometimes money sapping job.
A woman in love glows and floats on air. She is a bundle of joy. Even in this state of suspended reality, man is often at a loss as to how to handle her. But when the bubble is burst by harsh reality as is so often the case, a woman becomes an unbelievable enigma and hatred in motion. While the man is left scratching his head, the woman is left to stew, to examine her emotions, wondering if she beat the gun too early, if she gave up ‘too much’  too soon. She can not understand why the man does not feel what she feels or see what she sees. The explanation might seem simple but there in lies the problem because while a man is looking at a forest, the woman is looking at a tree. The difference is huge.

These differences rather than complement each other becomes the source of so much friction and misunderstanding because no one wants to understand the other’s peculiarities. For instance, the woman cannot understand why after  her man’s post coital euphoria, all he wants to do is reach for his newspaper, magazine or remote control to cruise through TV channels or roll over into frenzied snoring when what  she wants is to soak in and prolong the euphoria. She wants to talk in whispers and hushed tunes about your affection, the babies to come, their names, sweet nothings. She wants to be reassured and feel secured, that what just happened was worth her physical and emotional investment. The man is left wondering what she wants to talk about that has not been discussed several times before.  Unknown to him, what was discussed in the car or in the sitting room is not the same as the one immediately after connubial pleasures, even if the issues are the same. This one is different for her. It is wrapped in the full emotional and intimate aura of the moment. This is the talk she does not forget. They carry her through seasons of despair.

When you reach for your newspaper or remote control instead of for her, you leave her feeling used and unloved. She stays awake wondering what she has done wrong or who else could be the focus of your attention, because she does not believe you are wired differently from her. Women can detect when you have detached from the moment even if your contribution was not limited to occasional grunts. This is one time it will be wise to resist the temptation to reach for the remote control and stop being a man and be who she wants. It is her moment more than it is the man’s.  Believe me, she will be the first to fall asleep because she is satisfied emotionally and physically. Then you can reach for your remote control…
There are many men who do not know when sex begins in a relationship. They think it should start with a tap on her bum when the lights are out. If the lights are on, the horrified look on her face at the crude attempt at arousal will freeze and shrink his physical and emotional hormonal rush. For women, love making starts much earlier, for instance in the morning as she leaves for or you drop her off at work with an unsolicited compliment on her person, looks, hair, clothes. A text message, a phone call or recorded message on her phone later in the day that emphasizes what makes her special helps to prepare her to be every thing you want her to be. It is enough to frame her thoughts of you all day, making her able to suspend her state of tiredness after a busy day, to go shopping for your favourite wine, prepare your special meal and be a lover to remember. It is even better if it is a Friday night. For women, such words unlock the fountains of deep emotions and they are not afraid to let it show. She wants to be free to fully express herself on the boudoir, without been judged as to where she learnt her erotic tricks.
Women want their men to be in charge and take responsibility for their successes and failures. The problem arises when the woman claims responsibility for the successes while heaping the blame on the man for failures, with choice, customised words that they  effortlessly dredge up when they are angry. Many women want to mould their men in their own image or that of their fathers or former lovers and fight all the way including sabotaging them, if things are not done the way they want them. Until such women stop comparing as they senselessly do, relationships remain a bed of thorns. Men who get support and understanding from their spouses especially when they are wrong or have made costly mistakes, feel loved and reward their spouses with uncommon loyalty. 
Women crave faithfulness similar to the one God demands of us. It is the ability to trust and believe in their men especially when they are not physically present with them. They have developed a sixth sense  that alerts them to on going philandering, even in the absence of tell tale evidence like  lipsticks and mascara stains, hotel receipts in agbada pockets or the whispered warning of a ‘bird’. If a woman cannot trust a man on this score, she will not trust him on any thing else, because no woman will give a man influence over her life until she can trust him. Cheating is not a peculiar male pastime. Women are also adept at it, with married women rumoured to match or even exceed the exploits of single ladies. It will be interesting to know from ladies if this is a practical expression of the saying that ‘what is good for the goose is also good for the gander’ or simply paying back in the same rusty old coin.
Unfaithfulness is often the cause of so much friction in relationships. Unlike men, some women in love imagine that their skirt chasing partners will settle down to her alone once marital vows are exchanged. They often discover to their horror that their men got better or more brazen at cheating. If you cannot take that character flaw, do not continue in the relationship, talk less of marrying him or her. If your woman is a gossip, a ‘maniser,’ or a discourager, separate yourself from her. Will the leopard change its spots? Save yourself the trouble and the escalation of crisis that often leads to domestic violence. If she is murdered because of this crisis, the man will rot in jail for a long time before been judicially made the main item on the menu for worms, in a wooden box six feet below. Do not forget that every time you hit a woman, you become less of a man and more like an animal.
A male partner caught cheating long after his fidelity is taken for granted is particularly galling for women. They are painfully forced to watch and listen as their men become the examples cited by their whispering female friends who are quick to remind each other that men will always be men. After all, still waters run deep.
Most women cannot take a dip in their standard of living when money becomes funny. This creates the impression that money can buy female relationships, who will be gone as soon as the money is gone.  Often times the female response is to set the house on fire with her tongue, the sharp end of a woman’s arrow, the poisonous, piercing end that completely strips the man of dignity and respect. Their later attempts to repair damage caused by fiery tongues always fall short. When a woman calls her man a sperm donor, what words will undo the damage? How can women detoxify their tongues?

The feeling of insecurity becomes more acute as women grow older. While this feeling may be slower for married women, it is more worrisome for aging single ladies who believe they are close to expiration on the shelf. Beauty for a woman is a gift up to the age of twenty five. It is a struggle up to thirty five and a losing battle beyond that age, when everything confirms to them they will never be young again. Some handle this stage with dignity while others fall apart. They desire at this stage emotional security and stability because of a deep seated fear that their men will trade them in for younger models. Men must realise that they also grow old, complete with thinning hair line, which progresses to bald pates, hanging stomachs and jowly physique. What sustains relationships through this stage and beyond is companionship built over the years, through thick and thin. It is the kind of companionship that makes partners soul mates, drawing from a rich reservoir of positive memories and life’s many battles jointly won and overcome.

As we all heard in the epic movie ‘Titanic’, a woman’s heart is an ocean of secrets. They remember every man in their lives, names, dates, places, words. Men do not. Some even forget their own birthdays but how dare you forget your lady’s special dates-birthday, anniversaries etc? It is enough reason for a woman to knock a man silly over the head with the emotional equivalent of a frying pan or even toss him out of the relationship like a wet rag. Sometimes it would make a world of difference if women will open their mouths to say what they want rather than expect their men to be able to read their minds and know what they want and if they do not live up to their expectations, they blame him for not doing the things no one knew they wanted.

 It is alright for your girl to point out a beautiful woman to you but unthinkable for you to point her out first. If you do, you will be on watch and be consigned to the dog house if your eyes so much as stray again.
When a woman meets a man, she is often evaluated by her very visible physical assets, with the liabilities invisible, out of sight, buried behind layers of make up and emotional baggage. Some will not show their true selves because their past is always too close, leaving them perpetually on the run from it. Why are they on the run? They overcame old disappointments to find love again, allowing the intoxication of new love to dispel old fears and banish old demons, until they were hurt again. Such cuts become too deep to heal, causing them to treat every potential new man as a harbinger of the cruelty of false hope. If you can win the confidence of this type, she will love you with so much passion you may end up feeling suffocated.
Men seem to think that a successful man is the one who earns more than a woman can spend and a successful woman the one who found such a man. It will again be interesting to know what women think.
Love’s greatest gift is love, so why do we give heartaches instead? Because neither men nor women have bothered to understand how different we are and in this understanding make compromises for the good of our partners. Without the ability to listen, it will be impossible to know what women want and locate their needs. A man who talks too much is incapable of hearing anything or any one including his woman. Imagine a time when men will in the prime of their manhood understand that a man’s emotional needs are best served when that of the woman in his life are met. The Irish pastor joked that if you want an argument to end, the woman must have the last word otherwise the argument continues! The woman must understand that with all her divinely packaged abilities, her man needs her respect and support for better, for worst. You can not love on your own terms, only on compromise.
Women are less able to deal with emotional frustration and being jilted. ‘Hell hath seen no fury like a woman scorned,’ was probably coined as a warning by those who survived or witnessed the determined assault of a scorned woman. In this state, watch out because the equivalent of Hurricane Katrina is about to hit you! It takes courage to be a man, especially the one ready to love and be loved. Men be wise. You can not love or control what you do not understand and the fairer sex wants to be loved and controlled. But if you expect nothing, you will get nothing.
 CSN: 65331-2008-15-54


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